The Haves....and the Have Nots

It seems the world is divided into the "haves... and the have nots." Those that have had a colonoscopy and those who have it darkening their future. Doctors love colonoscopies and recommend them every chance they get... for their patients. I want to see the stats on THEIR frequencies.

I had a physical this fall and once again Ol' Doc made his pitch.
"You should have a colonoscopy."
I remained silent and tried to think of a way to divert the conversation.
"You're at the age where it is starting to be important."
Yeah, I was thinking, I sure don't want to die without a colonoscopy.

Last Christmas, I had a bout of diverticulitis. It felt like I had swallowed small knives and they had fetched up and were trying to break through an intestinal wall. This diagnosis was an educated guess by Ol' not quite a doctor that worked in the same office with Ol' Doc. She had informed me sweetly that had I had a colonoscopy, we would know for certain.

Mmmm, well, I mumbled, "I probably should," and was about to add maybe "next year," when Doc interrupted and said "Good, I'll schedule it for after the Holidays."

I started to get dizzy and wobbly on my feet. "Doc, I'm starting to feel light headed. Maybe I need a cat scan instead."
He laughed, "that's just a reaction to your colonoscopy. It happens a lot, nothing to worry about... " he laughed again. Something funny must have come to mind because now he seemed to have lost his dour manner and was almost giddy.
It occurred to me maybe doctors got commissions off the patients they supply to the colonoscopists or whatever they call the lucky doctor who performs the colonoscopy.

I left in a daze. I had felt pretty good before the physical, now I wasn't feeling so hot.

Time whizzes by when you have a colonoscopy scheduled, so, it seemed like just a few days instead of months, and I was in the Shop N Save looking for laxatives. Unfortunately, they had just what the doctor ordered, and soon I was headed home, time racing, the world in a blur. I was supposed to start with four laxative pills at noon and it was 12:30 when I got out of the store so I took them in the parking lot, hoping I would make it home before they started to work. I drove directly home, cursing every delay, sure it might cause a disaster of epic proportions.

Walter was at the barn when I arrived. Kris and he were sitting at the table as I came in, smiling and laughing about something.
"Walter, how are you?"
"Good," he smiled, How are you?
There seemed to be extra emphasis on the question.
"I'm Okay."
"Ready for the big day?" he inquired.
"I got my laxative right here Walter and I already took the four pills."
He smiled broadly. "This, will be the worst part. Any urge to go yet?"
"No, not yet."
"You will" he laughed.
Kris seemed to think this was very witty and laughed too. They could tell I was not thrilled and found ways to make every turn of the conversation end in a joke about my soon to be experienced body purging. I scowled at most and this seemed to encourage them. Both laughed so hard they had tears and passed into that state where almost anything said becomes a reason to laugh.

Soon it was 2:00pm and time for the start of the second laxative. This one is a dry powder and you mix it with a little water. You have to keep mixing a capful every 30 minutes and drinking the resultant sludge until the contents are gone.

Walter has had several colonoscopies and remembered the powdered laxative with particular relish.

"You're gonna love that stuff," and he and Kris became hysterical over this witticism.

I looked into the glass after I mixed it up. It was clear but starting to get thicker.

"Just drink it fast as you can and don't think about it" Walter coached.

I swilled it down and looked over at Walter and Kris who were smiling expectantly.

"Nothing yet." I could see they were disappointed.
"You will. Won't be long now."

It looked like this purging was going to be done by "team Bart." What are friends for if not to come over and offer encouragement while your body loses all control over its bowels.

Trying to make me feel better, Walter mentioned a cute young nurse that had assisted in his last colonoscopy. She patted his backside and kept telling him it would be alright. "Takes your mind right off whats happening," he recalled nostalgically. Walter leaned back in his chair, his mind somewhere else.

"Well maybe, I'll get lucky too."
"No, you'll get an old battle axe that tells you shut up and quit whining," Kris offered. She and Walter resumed their hysterical laughter.

Walter stayed until the gurgling began and then left me to my misery. Kris was less fortunate and was in for the duration. It starts slow and doesn't seem too bad for a short time. After three or four slugs of laxative it becomes apparent that it is going to be a near thing which end is going to provide an exit for the increasingly nauseating liquid.

The bottle of laxative has 8.7 ounces of dry powder which never seems to decrease no matter how many times you take it. I was still at it at 8:00pm. I had been spewing clear yellow liquid with each session for the last couple of hours. I reasoned that enough was enough and went to bed. I was up every few hours all through the night and made my final purge at the hospital.

I arrived at the hospital at the appointed time and was taken to "out patient surgery" and put on a backless Johnny. The nurse buzzed in and out checking on me, mostly making sure I was still there. On one of these visits she said the surgeon would stop by and explain the procedure. I couldn't wait to hear this.

I hadn't eaten since the day before yesterday and was starved. Kris sat faithfully beside me and was reading the latest issue of Better Homes and Gardens.
"Hey, look at this recipe! Sinfully Chocolate Pudding Cake Surprise! Doesn't that sound good!" "Oh, wow, Cajun Curried Shrimp! Maybe I'll make that tonight." She'd get up and come over now and then to show me how good the picture of each dish looked. I was beginning to wish the surgeon would hurry up.

After a while an elderly gentleman with a bit of a tremor, came in and sat down. He didn't say anything for awhile, just smiled wryly. He started to speak and then smiled again instead and looked from me to Kris and back to me. After another pause he said "I'm your surgeon" and chuckled. "You ready for this?"

I looked over at Kris and she was laughing. Everyone, including the surgeon was amused by the thought of my colonoscopy. For some reason it was strangely reassuring that he still saw the humor in this after doing thousands of them. I hadn't been doped up yet but I lost some of my nervousness.
"I'm as ready as I'll ever be".
"Good" he said and with that, two male nurses came around the corner and hauled me down to the operating room. The doctor walked along beside the gurney.
"This is a very safe, simple procedure," he was saying. Well that's good I thought. Then he added conversationally, "the only thing that ever goes wrong is occasionally the intestine is punctured, but that's rare." Well, that's good. It is only rarely punctured.
I began to wonder what happens to you if your intestine is punctured?
We turned a corner and we were in the operating room. The male nurses began going through the surgery check off list. They asked my name and what procedure I was expecting, etc.
I was now wondering how these two male nurses came to be assigned to colonoscopies. Were they volunteers? And what happened to Walter's cute young nurse?
One began explaining the sedatives. "The first is for pain and the other is to make you forget."
Well, if there is no pain, what do I need to forget? I was now back on high alert.
"You'll probably just sleep through it. Most people do."
No way I was falling asleep or forgetting anything. I'll just stay awake and watch the procedure on the big screen which is located right there for your viewing pleasure. They began the procedure and it was painless. In fact there isn't much sensation at all thankfully. On the screen the camera appears to be going through a winding tunnel, about what you would expect. Pretty soon the camera stopped and examined a stalagmite. It move to one side and then the other. A metal probe with a gaping serpents mouth appeared on the screen and bit on to the stalagmite and pulled. It came free and the serpent disappeared. Evidently, this was a polyp. This was repeated a couple of more times in case you missed the first episode.

The procedure was soon over and I was wheeled back to the outpatient surgery room where I started. The nurse came back and had me lay on my left side. "Go ahead and fart all you want."
I had been waiting my whole life to hear those words.
"You have to get rid of the gas they pumped into you before you leave."

Well, if farting could get me out of here faster, I could certainly show the medical world a thing or two. Kris showed up at the height of my flatulence. She evidently didn't want to miss anything. After a particularly resonant note that went for a long time, both her eyebrows went up. "Just following the nurses orders-- all in the interest of medicine," I assured her.
"Well, at least they found something your good at."
"You think I enjoy this?"
"Yeah!"
"Well, okay, it was a pretty good one."

By ten o'clock, I was out of the hospital and it was over. I felt great. It was over! Words can not convey how good you feel after it is OVER. I am now a member of the HAVES and I can't wait until I can help Kris in her time of need, since she is still a HAVE NOT!